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What is it about owning our power, our light that can seem so hard – even impossible – at times?
I’ve been up against this, face to face with it more recently. When I scan the timeline of my soul, past lives, ancient incarnations, I can still feel this truth so viscerally in my body >>> my power has gotten me in deep trouble again and again through the millennia. Standing up and showing my light has created circumstances that traumatized my soul, sometimes it feels, beyond repair. Perhaps you can relate?
I watch others be daring and step out – face their fears and do it anyway – and I’m a little envious. How do they “just do it”? I try and it’s like a magnetic force field I cannot penetrate no matter how hard I try. When I do summon all my might and push forward to try to break through, things break, tech doesn’t work, messages aren’t seen or delivered, I am deftly sabotaged by myself left and right. I am exhausted, unfocused, ill, depressed. All the shit comes up. I can feel the energy of it too, it’s just “not right”. At some point I just back away and have to regroup or simply give up.
If I release, stop trying, and completely let go then I sink into the abyss and fade away into my own private fog where no one can reach me. And it’s okay too because I’m comfortable here, even happy in a way. It’s calm, it’s quiet, peaceful. It’s easier to just stop trying, to give up. What’s the point anyway? Who will really miss me? Nothing people can’t get elsewhere, nothing they won’t get over after a bit. I tell myself this anyway, even though my soul self knows it’s utter bullshit.
And this impenetrable force field? This enemy I’m fighting against? It’s ME. And I know this! It’s of my own making! I crafted this protection with ALL my power – which was (and is) still unbelievably formidable – to protect me into eternity, across lifetimes, timelines, galaxies, star systems so that I would never, ever, ever, ever, EVER, have to go through the deepest betrayals, abuses, manipulation, torture, loss, heartbreak, soul scaring, ripping, tearing, unspeakable atrocities again. Ever. No matter what.
I summoned everything I am and put protections upon protections upon protections in place so that no matter how convinced I might feel light years down the line to open up and be the tall poppy, to shine my light, to share my wisdom, I wouldn’t be able to. I would remain protected and unseeable no matter how much I tried to break the spell and become vulnerable again. No matter what.
And now, NOW! Here I am at this point in time space, fully present to the deep call of my soul to step forward, to speak, to shine! And all I feel is “Dear God. NO”. I can even see the fortress I have woven around myself! The immense protection I have created for myself. Older than dirt, than stardust. I am being beckoned forward to own ALL my power, ALL my light. Here, now, in this vessel, in this lifetime. NOW. And it’s beyond terrifying. It’s unthinkable.
And yet there are times I get beyond the fear and I take steps forward. I get support, and do deep healing and energy work. And some headway is made. I feel like I’m unlocking this hold on me. And when I finally think I have made a breakthrough, that I am free, I find it energetically impossible to go further. I find it’s still there, still keeping me bound in a code of my own making that is impossible to crack! Crazy right!?? Hot damn, I guess I was really good when I set this up, eh?! Impressive!
But where does this leave me now? If I do nothing and leave it lie as is, I will be denying my soul’s purpose, my decision for this lifetime. My soul promise to myself. My body will reflect this and it will spiral. I can already feel this happening. It will not end comfortably or well because I am going against the energy of where my soul wants to go. That dissonance has to manifest somewhere.
So then…What if I actually came here to undo this old spell and be free again to help create anew? To help others, to seed ideas and energy that will help save the world? This has felt correct to me for years (decades?) now. And still, I grapple with it. I’ve done so much work around this already over the decades, yet I continue to be locked in a grip with it. But I’m clear that to choose to stay quiet is really no choice at all because I already know how it will go down. So let’s say we cross that one off the list. But if I do that, what’s the alternative?
Choice number 2: Break the spell, unravel the damage, the old protections woven in frequencies of fear and hurt, heal the wounds, make peace with my soul’s past. Unearth it ALL. Risk, take the chance of it all going to fucking shit on steroids again, and again, and again. Risk the soul-scraping betrayal, the torture, the atrocities. Would I dare to walk through that fire again? Everything in me says Hell NO, FUCK NO.
And yet…what if? Could I transform the the hell out of this motherfucker? I’m no less powerful now. Weave new spells in the energy of love, light, and freedom. Rewrite the story locked deep in my DNA, my cellular memory. Plant a new stake in the ground, amend the Akasha. Affirm healing and wholeness no matter what. Could I? Dare I? Ugh. My whole body wants to go to sleep, back into that fog. Just go to sleep…where it’s safe…
And yet…what if?
Could I? Dare I?
Spiritual warrior. Galactic angel,
It’s time to ride.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson